I heard we made out
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
