I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
