i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
