How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
