Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
