When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Best friends brother. Beat that.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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