When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
