Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
