I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You left your underwear on the fireplace
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
