At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
