I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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