I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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