Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
