i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
