either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
