i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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