when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
