the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
