Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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