You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
