mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
