God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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