All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
