so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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