The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
