I think I died a long time ago.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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