just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
