I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm bleeding and have questions
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