You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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