yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
