Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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