worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
