Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
