They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
