omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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