hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
