Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
