two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
