dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
The air was thick with penises
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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