One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
