Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
