Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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