This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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