I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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