found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize