why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
