pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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