i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
