I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Randomize
