oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize