I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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