i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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