If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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