so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
